Stalking the wild tree

Christmas tree hunting is becoming increasingly popular. For those of you who plan to try this fascinating sport, here are a few guidelines.

A large caliber gun is recommended. Twelve-gauge shotguns are much preferred for their stopping power, a hatchet for close-in work, a good “tree dog� will “point� the tree and will track cripples.

Tree hunting is a winter sport, so dress warmly. Coats should have an easy-access pocket for bottles of spirituous liquors, often thought to be harmful, but we don’t care. Footwear need not be quiet as Christmas trees have notoriously poor hearing. A stick and knife is used for cutting notches to keep track so that you don’t go over your limit (one).

Christmas trees will “freeze� when people are about, in an attempt to not be seen. Much like a possum, they will resist all attempts to get them to move about. Wait until your tree dog has “spotted� your tree. He will strike an unmistakable pose, pointing with one leg raised, except in this case it will not be a front leg.

Aim very low. If you do not get a clean shot, go in quickly with the hatchet to finish the job. Shooting the tree a second time is not recommended as this will result in the proverbial “tree with a hole that you can throw a cat through.� This also necessitates coming up with a cat that no one will mind you throwing.

If you are not going to cook your tree the same day, keep it in a cool place. You may freeze your tree if you wish. This sometimes happens in the wild and they seem none the worse for it. However, it serves no purpose whatsoever.

To remove the needles, place tree in a large tub of hot water. This will loosen the needles and soften the bark. If your tree is a hemlock, save the water. It makes a fine soup-appetizer for company that just “shows up.� Place tree in a hot (450 degrees) oven for several hours, with brandy at intervals. You can also put some on the tree, but again, this serves no purpose.

When the fire alarm goes off,  tree is done. So is cleanup. So is kitchen. Send out for pizza.

Not everyone cooks their tree. Some prefer to mount the trophy tree in a stand and hang stuff on it. Many stores sell actual commercially-prepared items for this purpose. Do not be duped! Your tree can self decorate. Leave it for a bit and it will get some of those webby things like there are in the corners of the ceiling.

 Good hunting!

Bill Abrams resides (and hunts for his artificial tree in the attic) in Pine Plains.

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