Full metal idiots

The latest hot reality show, “Full Metal Jousting,” features a gang of guys in a modern-day version of full armor riding on horses and poking each other with 10-foot poles. They poke each other at approximately 30 miles per hour, the combined speeds of their horses at impact. Like watching a train wreck, it is fascinating and horrifying, all at the same time. The camera follows them in practice, in leisure, in competition and in the obligatory confessional interview when they tell us stuff that is a “secret.”Seriously? You’re on camera, doofus!One contestant tells us that his primary goal here is “to not get hurt.” In this sport there is no defense. You will get slammed, and whoever slams the other guy the hardest will win. I think our confessee has wandered into the wrong venue.We hear the teams talk among themselves, assessing their opponents and making bold statements like “losing is not an option.” Both teams are saying this. Reality check. This is a contest. By definition someone will lose.Many of the contestants seem to be rodeo riders or theatrical jousters. Others include a polo player and a dressage rider. One of the noncowboys lost his temper with his horse, punching him because the horse inadvertently stepped on his foot. Horse people tell me there are other ways to get a horse off of your foot. To give credit, Punchy was immediately dismissed from the program. Somebody should have punched him. I would have watched that twice.In the true spirit of mindless competition, we have already witnessed one concussion. What a surprise. The concussee was told to not crash into things for a whole seven days. I guess they figure that by then he will be able to count to 10 again without skipping numbers.One disturbing feature of these armor suits is that the combatants seem to be fastened into them with wrenches. We see their assistants tightening bolts. It takes them a minute or two to open this sardine can while the rider, having been unhorsed and dented, is bleeding and wailing, “Get me out of here!” However, if he can get back up on his horse within two minutes he is not disqualified for falling down. Personally, If I had been knocked off of my horse, in the words of that kid who everybody had in their class, “I’ll take a ze-ro.”They may be onto something with next week’s show. Combining the appeal of those Funny Home Videos with a sport featuring combat with pointed sticks, the teaser seems to indicate that we will witness a horrible groin injury.Oh boy! Here comes another train! Bill Abrams watches jousting competitions from his home in Pine Plains.

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