Introducing Schlump 3.0

Hollywood, it seems, has an inexhaustible supply of schlumps.  

   Starting with Woody Allen — a small, whiny, neurotic man, self-centered but lacking in self-confidence.

   The latest is a descendant of Albert Brooks via “George Costanzaâ€� of “Seinfeldâ€� and “Seinfeldâ€� creator Larry David, with a nod to “Saturday Night Liveâ€� castoffs such as John Belushi, Adam Sandler, and Will Ferrell. He is a large, shapeless, clueless child in a man’s body, totally exasperating to those around him but vulnerable and sweet underneath.

    We’ve seen Homo schlumpus novus in movies like “Knocked Up.â€�  Indeed, director Judd Apatow is a leading practitioner of new schlump cinema, and Seth Rogen the prototype of Schlump 2.0.

   The only discernible reason we have “Due Date,â€� the new comedy directed by Todd Phillips (“Starsky & Hutch,â€� “The Hangoverâ€�), is to introduce Schlump 3.0 in the person of actor Zach Galifianakis, who plays Ethan Tremblay. When we meet him at the airport curb, he is as slovenly as can be, with a curly coif, a Greco-Roman beard and a protruding belly. He carries his father’s ashes in a coffee can and carries himself as if being controlled by signals from Mars.

   Schlump 3.0 is no longer a man-child.  He is a man-infant.

   Circumstances not worth explaining throw Ethan together with Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr.), the expectant father of the title, for a road trip from hell. Downey, as the straight man, clenches his jaw and perseveres through a slew of indignities that include having his face pressed up against the aforementioned belly, getting thrown up on, shot and surviving an accident caused by Tremblay falling asleep at the wheel.

   That’s worse than not funny. But then again, almost nothing in this would-be comedy is even remotely amusing.

    It’s just that a platoon of four screenwriters can’t make this dog bark.  

   Not even with a mix-up involving the ashes in a can.

   We are meant to sympathize with Tremblay  because of his recently deceased father, the more so because of the heavy-handed symbolism that pairs him with Highman, the father-to-be. And, as in all road movies, we’re meant to think that Tremblay will teach Highman something about life.

   But Galifianakis’s schlump is so repellent that when, less than halfway into the film, Downey’s character takes the car and flees, we wouldn’t object if he drove off into the sunset and the credits rolled.

   Some talented actors sleepwalk through cameos that give us a glimpse of another movie-that-might-have-been: Michelle Monaghan as the expectant mom, Juliette Lewis as Ethan’s pot dealer, and Jamie Foxx as Highman’s best friend.

   “Due Dateâ€� is rated R for language, drug use and sexual content. It is playing throughout the Tri-state area..

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