Men are from . . .

In my column in the July 22 Lakeville Journal, I wrote about some useful tips for men to help them understand women better. This week, let’s talk about how guys operate because their needs are very different from women’s.

Give them space

One of my female clients complained that just when her relationship with her boyfriend was going well, he would “disappear†into his basement woodshop for hours, even days, at a time.  This was both confusing and painful for her.

Even though he explained to her that he was simply doing handyman projects and that she shouldn’t take it personally, he seemed somewhat more cool and distant toward her. It felt like he didn’t want to be around her, and it left her wondering if his feelings for her were wavering.

I explained to her that this was “typical†guy behavior, and it likely did not have anything to do with her or the relationship.  Sometimes guys just need to be alone. My advice to women: When a guy needs time alone, he will try to find a way to do that by going off somewhere and doing a project, watching television, or playing a sport — like my friend  who goes fishing early in the morning when he needs space.

The next time a man does this, don’t take it personally; let him go and he will return.

I would even take it a step further, and support and encourage him to have this time; he will be more “present†for you because of it.  

Don’t force the talk

Another client told me that her husband would sometimes shut down if she wanted to talk to him about the financial problems they had been faced with or with childcare issues.

She was frustrated that he would immediately change the subject and then, if she persisted, would go into another room, turn on the computer and ignore her.

I told her that sometimes men perceive a weightier conversation like this to be “work,†and it takes more for them to gear up for a serious conversation than it does for women. They aren’t unwilling, they simply operate in a slower gear.

I also said there was a right moment for conversations such as these — specifically, when they are feeling calm and open, not stressed.

At this my client laughed and said, “You mean, trying to talk to him the moment he comes in the door from work isn’t the right time?â€

My advice: When you want to talk about serious stuff, approach him when he’s feeling relaxed, like after he has had time to decompress from work or over a weekend.  At that moment simply say, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about the finances. When would be a good time to do that?† 

With this gentle approach, he may be willing to talk right then. If so, great. If not, he will be honest about when is a good time — precisely because you didn’t force it.

When that time arrives, let him be the one to bring it up as promised. If  he doesn’t — perhaps this is a particularly difficult or sensitive conversation — it’s OK to gently remind him. You might say, “Is this still a good time to talk about the finances?† The key here is not to push too hard.

 Don’t use criticism to get him to do something

One male client of mine told me that his wife was constantly criticizing him in small ways in order to get him to do something for her.

“The garage is a mess, I can’t find anything in there.† “The kids aren’t outdoors enough, you’re always playing video games with them.â€

Ladies, try acknowledging all the things he does well first, and then make a “suggestion†about what you would like to have happen. “The basement looks so good after you organized it, honey.  If we could get the garage reorganized too, we would be incredible.† 

Positive reinforcement and acknowledgment goes a long way with men.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com.  Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.

Latest News

Fresh perspectives in Norfolk Library film series

Diego Ongaro

Photo submitted

Parisian filmmaker Diego Ongaro, who has been living in Norfolk for the past 20 years, has composed a collection of films for viewing based on his unique taste.

The series, titled “Visions of Europe,” began over the winter at the Norfolk Library with a focus on under-the-radar contemporary films with unique voices, highlighting the creative richness and vitality of the European film landscape.

Keep ReadingShow less
New ground to cover and plenty of groundcover

Young native pachysandra from Lindera Nursery shows a variety of color and delicate flowers.

Dee Salomon

It is still too early to sow seeds outside, except for peas, both the edible and floral kind. I have transplanted a few shrubs and a dogwood tree that was root pruned in the fall. I have also moved a few hellebores that seeded in the near woods back into their garden beds near the house; they seem not to mind the few frosty mornings we have recently had. In years past I would have been cleaning up the plant beds but I now know better and will wait at least six weeks more. I have instead found the most perfect time-consuming activity for early spring: teasing out Vinca minor, also known as periwinkle and myrtle, from the ground in places it was never meant to be.

Planting the stuff in the first place is my biggest ever garden regret. It was recommended to me as a groundcover that would hold together a hillside, bare after a removal of invasive plants save for a dozen or so trees. And here we are, twelve years later; there is vinca everywhere. It blankets the hillside and has crept over the top into the woods. It has made its way left and right. I am convinced that vinca is the plastic of the plant world. The stuff won’t die. (The name Vinca comes from the Latin ‘vincire’ which means ‘to bind or fetter.’) Last year I pulled a bunch and left it strewn on the roof of the root cellar for 6 months and the leaves were still green.

Keep ReadingShow less
Matza Lasagne by 'The Cook and the Rabbi'

Culinary craftsmanship intersects with spiritual insights in the wonderfully collaborative book, “The Cook and the Rabbi.” On April 14 at Oblong Books in Rhinebeck (6422 Montgomery Street), the cook, Susan Simon, and the rabbi, Zoe B. Zak, will lead a conversation about food, tradition, holidays, resilience and what to cook this Passover.

Passover, marked by the traditional seder meal, holds profound significance within Jewish culture and for many carries extra meaning this year at a time of great conflict. The word seder, meaning “order” in Hebrew, unfolds in a 15-step progression intertwining prayers, blessings, stories, and songs that narrate the ancient saga of the liberation of the Israelites from slavery. It’s a narrative that has endured for over two millennia, evolving with time yet retaining its essence, a theme echoed beautifully in “The Cook and the Rabbi.”

Keep ReadingShow less
Housy baseball drops 3-2 to Northwestern

Freshman pitcher Wyatt Bayer threw three strikeouts when HVRHS played Northwestern April 9.

Riley Klein

WINSTED — A back-and-forth baseball game between Housatonic Valley Regional High School and Northwestern Regional High School ended 3-2 in favor of Northwestern on Tuesday, April 9.

The Highlanders played a disciplined defensive game and kept errors to a minimum. Wyatt Bayer pitched a strong six innings for HVRHS, but the Mountaineers fell behind late and were unable to come back in the seventh.

Keep ReadingShow less