Saved by the Racing Ostriches

If you like rock climbing, bungee jumping and similarly insane sports, then by all means go see “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.�

The usual video game kung fu effects give way here to leaping about on roofs and parapets — more “Crouching Tiger� than “Iron Man 2.�

   Prince Dastan, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, scampers all over the various palaces, city gates, sacred temples and portals of doom with a fine disregard for the law of gravity.

   If it’s a coherent story you’re after, however, then “Prince of Persiaâ€� fails to deliver. Over the weekend I happened to be rereading Dashiell Hammett’s “The Dain Curse,â€� which has a plot that could be politely described as bewildering. This flick makes Hammett’s hard-boiled and  hard to understand classic read like Jack and Jill going up the hill.

See, there’s the King of Persia, and he’s sent his sons out to do something with the army but under no circumstances are they to attack the sacred city of Alamut, ruled by the gorgeous Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton). But they attack anyway because Ben Kingsley (as the evil Uncle Nizam) cooks up a story about weapons of mass destruction when all he really wants is the sacred magic dagger filled with the sacred magic sands of time so he can go back in the past and arrange things so he (Nizam) can be king instead, but it gets all fouled up because the princess and Dastan escape and they use up the sand and get captured by libertarian outlaws who race ostriches and get attacked by assassins with mystical powers and lots of snakes and . . . never mind.

   About 105 minutes of this two-hour epic is fighting — fighting with swords, scimitars, and daggers; fighting with throwing knives, throwing stars, and a gizmo that looks like one of those deals you chop nuts with; fighting with pointy projectiles, lovingly slowed down and rendered from all sides in computer-generated animation before being allowed on to their destination.

   And snakes. Lots of snakes. Nasty burrowing attack snakes, with wide orange mouths and dripping fangs and beady little snake eyes.

   Alfred Molina steals the show as Sheik Amar, a desert hustler who has carved out a tax-free empire in the wastelands, where he runs fixed ostrich races and curses all forms of taxation and government.

   Gyllenhaal does the best he can with the stiff dialogue and the handicap that someone decided he should look like the late Kurt Cobain — unshaven and greasy. Kingsley’s made up to look like the maitre d’ at a bondage club, and the rest of the cast plods through the thing with the air of people about to be engulfed in an apocalyptic sandstorm unless they can get the dagger and fill it with the special sand and go back in time again and . . . .

   In summary: Jake Gyllenhaal as Kurt Cobain in desert drag. Burrowing attack snakes. Ben Kingsley breaks the Eyeliner Barrier.  Poison prayer cloak. Parimutuel ostrich racing. Libertarian desert rat with improbable Cockney accent. Pulchritudinous princess in regrettably non-diaphanous gown. Gratuitous time travel. Way too much plot getting in the way of the story. Kung fu with pointy projectiles. Leaping over walls, turrets, roofs, parapets, cupolas, balconies, collapsing sand floors and ostriches.

   Because so much of this silly film hinges on getting some more sand to put in the dagger I thought to myself ,“That’s like a video game, where the player gets additional powers from time to time.â€�

   No flies on me — as the credits rolled, there it was: “Based on the video game by Jordan Mechner.â€�

So be warned — “Prince of Persia� is essentially a two-hour video game with about 15 minutes of story — not crummy enough to be irritating, not awful enough to achieve schlock status, and not sufficiently interesting (apart from the racing ostriches) to warrant another thought.

   “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Timeâ€� is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action. It is playing at the Moviehouse in Millerton, NY, and elsewhere.

Latest News

Walking among the ‘Herd’

Michel Negroponte

Betti Franceschi

"Herd,” a film by Michel Negroponte, will be screening at The Norfolk Library on Saturday April 13 at 5:30 p.m. This mesmerizing documentary investigates the relationship between humans and other sentient beings by following a herd of shaggy Belted Galloway cattle through a little more than a year of their lives.

Negroponte and his wife have had a second home just outside of Livingston Manor, in the southwest corner of the Catskills, for many years. Like many during the pandemic, they moved up north for what they thought would be a few weeks, and now seldom return to their city dwelling. Adjacent to their property is a privately owned farm and when a herd of Belted Galloways arrived, Negroponte realized the subject of his new film.

Keep ReadingShow less
Fresh perspectives in Norfolk Library film series

Diego Ongaro

Photo submitted

Parisian filmmaker Diego Ongaro, who has been living in Norfolk for the past 20 years, has composed a collection of films for viewing based on his unique taste.

The series, titled “Visions of Europe,” began over the winter at the Norfolk Library with a focus on under-the-radar contemporary films with unique voices, highlighting the creative richness and vitality of the European film landscape.

Keep ReadingShow less
New ground to cover and plenty of groundcover

Young native pachysandra from Lindera Nursery shows a variety of color and delicate flowers.

Dee Salomon

It is still too early to sow seeds outside, except for peas, both the edible and floral kind. I have transplanted a few shrubs and a dogwood tree that was root pruned in the fall. I have also moved a few hellebores that seeded in the near woods back into their garden beds near the house; they seem not to mind the few frosty mornings we have recently had. In years past I would have been cleaning up the plant beds but I now know better and will wait at least six weeks more. I have instead found the most perfect time-consuming activity for early spring: teasing out Vinca minor, also known as periwinkle and myrtle, from the ground in places it was never meant to be.

Planting the stuff in the first place is my biggest ever garden regret. It was recommended to me as a groundcover that would hold together a hillside, bare after a removal of invasive plants save for a dozen or so trees. And here we are, twelve years later; there is vinca everywhere. It blankets the hillside and has crept over the top into the woods. It has made its way left and right. I am convinced that vinca is the plastic of the plant world. The stuff won’t die. (The name Vinca comes from the Latin ‘vincire’ which means ‘to bind or fetter.’) Last year I pulled a bunch and left it strewn on the roof of the root cellar for 6 months and the leaves were still green.

Keep ReadingShow less
Matza Lasagne by 'The Cook and the Rabbi'

Culinary craftsmanship intersects with spiritual insights in the wonderfully collaborative book, “The Cook and the Rabbi.” On April 14 at Oblong Books in Rhinebeck (6422 Montgomery Street), the cook, Susan Simon, and the rabbi, Zoe B. Zak, will lead a conversation about food, tradition, holidays, resilience and what to cook this Passover.

Passover, marked by the traditional seder meal, holds profound significance within Jewish culture and for many carries extra meaning this year at a time of great conflict. The word seder, meaning “order” in Hebrew, unfolds in a 15-step progression intertwining prayers, blessings, stories, and songs that narrate the ancient saga of the liberation of the Israelites from slavery. It’s a narrative that has endured for over two millennia, evolving with time yet retaining its essence, a theme echoed beautifully in “The Cook and the Rabbi.”

Keep ReadingShow less