Try a little role playing

I had a client who had gone through a difficult divorce and was still in frequent communication with his ex-wife about their young son and some legal issues.  Most of their communication was though e-mail or when they met to “hand off†their son on the weekends.  

My client was quite bitter that his ex-wife had asked for the divorce, had a lot of “his†money, and was with a new partner,  whom she was planning to marry.  

His anger was so consuming that he came to see me about it.

Most people have had experiences that made them so angry they couldn’t think about anything else for days, maybe even weeks. When this happens, our minds can get locked into that “story†and we lose perspective. It’s like a dog with a bone, that holds on and will not let go.

To get unhooked, you need to step outside the situation and see it from an aerial view. I’ve used various techniques with my clients to break this type of obsessive thinking. One exercise works consistently well, and I used it as a starting point with this client.

I asked him to close his eyes and focus on his breath.The breath is very important because it keeps us centered. When we think about things that may be disturbing or threatening, we tend to stop breathing. That in turn can make us anxious and put us into fight-or-flight mode.  

Then I asked him to go to a deeper place and use his imagination to step outside his body and become his ex-wife. I asked him to answer my questions as if he were actually her. This meant that, playing his ex-wife for the moment, she (he) would talk about this young man and refer to him by his name as if he were not in the room.

After having a conversation with him role playing, we discovered that he was actually the one who wanted to get out of the marriage in the first place and was doing things and creating situations that were hurting her and making her want to divorce him.

In other words, he wanted out but wanted her to do the dirty work.

We then discovered that she probably deserved more than the amount of money that she received in the settlement given all the facts and history — and she was aware of it. She knew it, but he was being so difficult and sometimes unkind that she decided not to fight it and just “settle†for what was proposed, so she could sign the papers and move on.

After this one session, my client told me that he felt his anger level had gone down from a 10 to about a 6 on a scale of 1 to10.  That’s a pretty big improvement considering he had been carrying this around for more than a year.  

Simply seeing things through her eyes allowed him to gain a reality check and get perspective on the whole situation. In fact, he could now see how she might have more reason to be the angry one.  

With more exercises like this one, he was able to let go of more and more of his anger toward her.

My estimation is that most of the time, surprisingly, we can speak for another person with a fairly high level of accuracy— maybe 80 to 90 percent, if we know them well.  

In other words, we can understand what other people are thinking and feeling most of the time if we can step outside ourselves for just a moment. And this can provide great emotional relief from a situation that we might have trouble moving away from.

An affirmation:  “When someone has done wrong to me, I take a step back and truly put myself in their shoes.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.

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