Chronically late? Stop and ask why

Many people have struggled with constantly running late. In this column, I would like to look at what it means to be late and what might be at work subconsciously that is causing the tardiness. With some awareness of what is going on behind the scenes, you might be able to break an old pattern.  Without awareness it will be much more difficult to make a change.

So why are certain people always

showing up late?  Basic mismanagement of time is one reason. Thinking you can pack it all in without a realistic timeline can backfire.  Those people are consistently overscheduling themselves and not taking a realistic look at how their day is going to play out. They are not allowing any margin for error in their scheduling, which means no time is included for delays and unexpected sidetracks.

Time can trigger anxious thoughts

Although for many it is a matter of time management, I have found that for some there is more to it. For these types of people, the idea of any extra time to spare, waiting for someone else, or sitting around waiting for anything, can trigger anxious thoughts.  

This could include, “I don’t want to waste any time,†or “What would I do with myself during that time?†or “I am very uncomfortable with nothing to do in a situation like that.†They would rather be late than feel this anxiety.  

Just the idea of being with themselves with nothing to do is the problem.  Subconsciously, they will orchestrate their schedule so that they are rushed and running late, but with the appearance, even to themselves, of trying to be on time.

Whose time is more valuable?

For others, showing up late to a date or appointment with someone else is making a statement to them. They might be saying, “My time is more valuable than yours.†Most people will deny this, but essentially that could be what they are saying.

It is a nonverbal way of communicating that the party you are meeting is not as important as you are and therefore their time is not worth as much as yours.

People who have control issues sometimes will show up late as a way to maintain control of a situation, as odd as that may sound.  

The idea of being on the other end of the equation and waiting for someone else, wondering if and when they will arrive, can lead to the feeling of being out of control and thus result in anxiety.  That situation is avoided by being the last one to show up.

Another reason someone may show up late is because they don’t want to be there. These people would rather be elsewhere and therefore their resistance may play into their ability to get themselves together to show up on time. If you really want to be somewhere and you are looking forward to it, you are likely to be on time.

In some cases, chronic tardiness is a result of low self-esteem. You might say to yourself, “I am not that important, and people don’t really care if I am there or not, so no one will care if I am late.† Being late is just your affirmation that your presence is not important to those you are meeting.

Feelings of disrespect

So what is really the problem with being late? When I asked a coaching group what feelings they had when they showed up late for something, the overwhelming response was “stressed out†and “feeling guilty.†And what is the first thing we do when we show up late?  We blame someone or something for our lateness in order to unload the responsibility.

When asked what it felt like to be the one waiting, responses included: “annoyed,â€â€œThey are inconsiderate,†and a feeling of disappointment and even resentment.  So, it really is not working for us or anyone else, is it?

Clearly, showing up late can feel disrespectful to those you are meeting.

We use the clock to set a schedule for ourselves in order to accomplish the many things we want to get done during the day, and it is a universally respected method of coordinating with others.

 It is not considerate of the rules we have agreed on and of other people to be late.  

I covered this topic in one of my young adults coaching meetings a few years ago, and one of the chronically late young ladies mentioned to me afterward that, “It never occurred to me that I was disrespecting someone else when I show up late. That makes me not want to do it anymore.† 

Small steps to solve the problem

At the very least, a heads-up phone call to alert people that you are going to be late is called for.  

Some people will call after the meeting time to announce that they will be late, which is fairly obvious by that time.  This call should be made as soon as you know you will be late and not after your appointed meeting time.

To wait to call shows a further lack of regard for the people you are meeting.

If you are not going to be on time for yourself and your own piece of mind, at least do it for others.

In the end, you (and everyone else) will be glad you arrived on time.

An affirmation that might help to break the pattern is, “I allow enough time in my schedule to show up on time to meetings and dates with friends, and that way I am less stressed and showing them respect as well.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. For information and previous columns, visit theloeningplan.com. Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.